


All Around Me are Familiar Faces

by Justamanlymouse



Category: NADDPOD - Fandom, Not Another D&D Podcast
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hardwon is bitter, Hardwon likes R. Cane, I used to think this podcast was funny, Introspection, Like angst angst angst, Shadowfell, Suicidal Thoughts, now i do nothing but cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 13:45:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18550990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justamanlymouse/pseuds/Justamanlymouse
Summary: An introspection from Hardwon's perspective from episode 58: Crown of Thorns.  A more detailed summary in the notes because there be spoilers for that episode, there be many, many spoilers.





	All Around Me are Familiar Faces

**Author's Note:**

> Hardwon knows death is coming.  
> He knows he must go alone.  
> Knowing doesn't make it any less painful.
> 
> Or 
> 
> Hardwon is angsty and sad, and if he would just talk to people so many of his problems would be solved.  
> But he won't, so here we are. 
> 
>   
> *TW's at the end
> 
> **Please note that this was an exercise on introspection, therefore all the dialogue is directly from the episode, so you have Jake, Emily,Caldwell, and Daddy Murf to thank for the wonderful words and story. This was just me playing with some prose to see if I could take the same words that make us laugh and make them horribly, terribly painful.

***

He wakes up, knowing.  His head is throbbing and his heart aching.  The crickwater last night offered him no freedom from the pain that would never leave.  Not that it ever stopped him from trying. He’s got to keep up appearances and all that shit.  

He looks around at all the goblins and various fae.  Everyone here is seriously fucked up. He groans, leaning back down onto the blanket.  Subtly, he presses his body against Moonshines. It’s not like that. It never was, never will be - regardless of that kiss, not if he has anything to say about it.  It just feels nice. Warmth. From a being with a soul.

Gwee directs them to food.  The fact that no one replies to his comment about going back to hell doesn’t go unnoticed.  It’s okay though. It’s where he’s supposed to be. He knows that.

“So… how are we going to get to Shadowfell?” Moonshine asks at they walk, breaking his brooding.  

“Uh, I mean, maybe… Maybe Jovyre?” he shrugs, and Bev nods in agreement.  He allows himself a moment to stare at the kid. It was nice having a brother. While it lasted.

“Hardwon, how did you get there the first time?” Bev asks him, and Hardwon wants to puke.  How do they not remember? How can’t they see?

“Oh,” he says, praying to a god (that he didn’t really care all that much about) that this came out sarcastic and light instead of the bitter bile that it truly was, “it was easy. I just died.”

He opens his mouth when Beverly asks, allowing the kid a goof, forcing himself to smile and be dramatic about Beverly pretending to climb inside.  He pushes aside how much worse his hangover feels when Bev’s hands clank against his teeth. He wasn’t going to ruin this day. His last day.

Moonshine keeps the conversation light as they get food.  He idly wonders if it’s as intentional for her as it is for him, or if she’s just… really like that. He’s never been able to tell, not even now. When they settle down, he begins to shovel hashbrowns into his mouth, his hand freezing in midair when Moonshine so easily broaches the subject with Zelda and Joyvre.

Why the fuck is she so obsessed with escalators?

The conversation goes on and on, he can hear himself laughing.  How fucked up is that. How does that human sound come out of a thing like him?  He doesn’t tell them yet that they’re not coming. This is his fight. He’s the one that belongs there, not them.  Bev may claim to be grey, but he sees nothing but goodness and purity in his friends. He won’t ruin them anymore than he already has.

Finally, as Moonshine and Bev skirt around why they’re going, he forces himself to speak.

“My mom’s down there,” he says, staring directly at Queen Jovyre.  The ‘because I put her there,’ mercifully goes unsaid. As does the fact that he’s going alone.

***

“Someone who has died,” Zelda rasps out, “who has been to Shadowfell before… could have a connection to it.”  Hardwon feels the room go cold when she stares straight at him and speaks the truth that he so fears, “Once the darkness of the shadow plane looms over you, it never quite goes away.”

He gives her the tiniest of nods before forcing himself to jokingly look back at Balnor.  As if Balnor the Brave could ever have that darkness in him.

It was a joke, a goof -but it still stings when Bev says, “Balnor’s clean.”  He knows it must mean that he isn’t.

“Right. Okay.  It’s… gotta be me, then.” He had decided this so long ago.   Why didn’t he feel more peace? It’s that what Bev’s storybooks say about heroic deaths? That there’s a peace and a pride to them?  So why does this just feel like shit?

Oh.  Right.  Because he was no hero.

Moonshine, bless her, won’t stop going back and forth with Zelda, as if there were ever any other way.  He reaches his hand across the table, placing it over hers gently. “Moonshine. I am the escalator.”

***

“I guess the better question is… how do we get back?” Hardwon smiled softly as Bev asked the question.  Sometimes he forgets how young the kid really is.

Zelda looks at Hardwon as she shrugs, the movement almost painfully casual. He nods his reassurance to her.  The peace is interrupted by pain spiking in his heart as he hears Beverly figure it out.

“It’s not a two way escalator, is it?”

***

They joke about passport photos, none of them noticing as he pulls his hair into a bun, preparing himself for what he was about to do.  Eventually, he can’t take it anymore and he interrupts their laughter.

“Okay. Well, let’s figure this out.  Which one of you guys is going to kill me.” He doesn’t even bother to hide the fact their startled faces are satisfying in some sick way.

Moonshine stares at him for a long moment, before turning the question around on him.  “Well, I think the bigger question is- First off, I’m not- I would like to put it out there that I’m not…”

She goes on, but Hardwon isn’t listening.  He can’t let himself think like that. If he lets himself hope, he’ll crack.  He won’t do what he must.

She pulls him back when she says something about drowning in chocolate pudding. His brow furrows, but he nods at her.

“Interesting,” he finally says, not sure what else to say.

When she brings up R. Cane, he doesn’t even pretend to hide that goddamn spark of hope.  Fuck. He had kept it smothered for so long. Doesn’t she realize, don’t any of them? Dragging this out isn’t helping, it’s killing whatever human part of him is left.

“That one,” he says quickly. And god, can’t they just get on with it?

Moonshine debates with Zelda more.   He’s going to fucking scream. Some of that hot air is let out when Beverly’s sweet young face looks up at him and asks, “So, we’re doin’ this now, huh?”

“Yeah,” he nods, hating himself for the way his voice cracks.

Hearing Moonshine’s panic is so much fucking worse than his own though, “Are we?” She’s yelling. He hardly ever hears her do that unless she’s happy.  “Are we doing this now?!”

As painful as it is, he gives her this.  Gives her just a little bit more time.

“Let me finish my hashbrowns.”

***

God. Fucking. Damnit. She’s still hashing this out.  Still reasoning with Zelda. As if any of this was her fucking decision.  He can feel the fear, the aggression, the pain, all of it. It’s vibrating through him.  This is the worst fucking come down ever.

He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to focus on what they’re saying as they debate his life, his death, his… everything - like he’s not even here.

“I like the R. Cane idea,” he rasps out again.  He doesn’t mention the fact that he imagines things ending that way every time he snorts the shit.  

They’re still going.  Something about… Kombucha? What the fuck is Kombucha? He can’t- Fuck this.  

Everything inside him is screaming.  No one even fucking notices.

Good.  It will make it easier for them when he’s gone.

He allows himself to feel everything he’s tried for so long to push down.  Slowly, he stands up and walks away from the group. Hashbrowns are coming up as he walks over to a random table.  

He makes himself remember the Dwarfanage.  He makes himself remember damning his mother.  He makes himself remember failing Gemma. He lets himself feel all of it.

He swallows the hashbrowns back down.  

And punches a random goblin in the face.

***

“Hey, what? Fuck you man,” tiny goblin man says at him, scrambling up from the floor.

“Yeah, that’s right,” he says back. Taking a deep breath, he throws his axe at the Goblin.  Any other day this tiny creature with this ginormous weapon would be adorable. Today it’s grim.

“Why? Why would you do this.” Hardwon suppresses the urge just to snap the goblin’s neck for taking so damn long to catch up.  Instead, he - as gently as he can manage while still triggering a fight - kicks him in the shin.

“Fuck you, man!”

As the axe comes swinging at him, he doesn’t even pay attention.   He looks back to Moonshine, not wanting to admit how much he’s about to beg right now.  

“You either hit me or this goblin’s going to kill me.”

Can’t she see? Doesn’t she know?  Can’t they just fucking give him this.  They’re his friends damnit. He begs her with his eyes.  Please. Please, Moonshine. Do it. Do this for me. Make it stop.  Please just make it all stop.

***

Zelda’s scrambling.  She’s getting candles and moving tables as more and more goblins attack.  It’s such a fucking… lonely way to go. His friends just sitting there. Watching.

He feels a rib crack and he screams.  He tastes blood every breath.

“I want you to know Hardwon, out of respect I am not averting my eyes even though seeing this makes me quite sad,” he hears as his calf, his beautiful fucking calf, is hacked at by goblins with his own axe.  Is no one else terrified that it came to this?

“Thank you,” he chokes out, because what the fuck else is there to say?

When he finally fucking falls, it’s mostly because of loss of blood.  They were too small to break too much more than that rib.

God, he thinks, that took way too fucking long.

He’s so tired.  

So.  Fucking. Tired.

***

He feels himself being pulled onto a table.  He thinks he made a joke, but everything is hazy and everything hurts so he can’t really remember.

He groans, rolling over and coughing up blood.  As they all circle him he does his best to smile, letting them know that this is okay.  This is how it should be.

He hears something about something about kissing Moonshine.  His head is throbbing. Everything is so loud. He closes his eyes, but that only makes the ringing in his ears start to scream.  

“Listen,” he gasps out.  No one hears him. He wonders for a minute if he’s even still visible. He grits his teeth and forces himself to focus on what they’re saying.

“I’m so sorry Beverly, but you are far too young.”

“Fine, I’ll kiss Moonshine.”

“No! I don’t want to kiss you, I thought we had this whole talk-”

Quickly, before the world spun out or he puked - or both, he spoke.  “I thought I had to die,” he grits out, wanting to glare at them, but far too tired to do so.

“You’re right, I was confused, I’m sorry,” Beverly says as Hardwon lets his head fall back on the table with a pained sigh.

There’s more talking, but he can’t parse it anymore.  He just wants to see her. His Mother. Free her. Apologize. Maybe after that, maybe then he’ll be allowed to rest.

He instinctively grabs an arm as it covers his face with a cloth, ready to fight it off.  Zelda looks down at him, and he stares into her eyes. Right. This is why he was here. He was doing this.  He allows his grip to loosen, and hers tightens around his nose and mouth.

She speaks to those around him but he can’t hear anymore.  He can’t… anything. He can’t- breathe.

Suddenly, he feels it.

Death.

It came screaming for him, and his body was no longer his own.  It belonged to fire and rot and bile and sick. He would be screaming right along with it, but for the hand on his mouth.  

He was going to explode, he must be going to explode.  Everything burns. He wants to cry. He wants his mom. Help. Help. Fuck.

Then it stopped.  His eyes move from side to side as he stands in the darkness and the mist.  He takes a beautiful breath.

Before he could even fully relax, he’s back, and he’s screaming, convulsing.

Now he’s standing, moving his fingers in the heady mist.

Screaming.

Dark Peace.

He hears a voice, and he knows it’s time.  He must choose. The living or the dead. This is when he admits to everyone where he belongs.  He lets himself go back once more, just in time to feel Moonshine’s hand against the fire where his own hand must be.  He stares at her, his eyes wide and bloodshot and panicked.

Then he goes.

***

He stands in the dark, moves from side to side in the midst. It’s… not dislike being in water.  It curls around him like it knows him, and he lets it.

He feels something, and turns, wishing for his Axe.  He can hear it, the faintest hint of a sound. Something… someone… Someone wanted him.  He closes his eyes and remembers. His friends. It’s harder to hold onto their faces here.  Listening closer, he hears their call and knows it for the truth it is. A siren's call to a world where he does not belong.  

Allowing himself one more moment of feeling, he smiles at the voices, thanking them for everything they gave him.

Finally, he turns from them, knowing that after this he will never look back.  

Smiling sadly, he walks away.

**Author's Note:**

> In this story, I delve deep into a character's suicidal ideation. If that is triggering for you in any way, this one is not for you. There is also implied character death, and a very dark look at a character getting the snot beat out of them.  
> Please keep your mind safe and happy, and only read things that are healthy for you! 
> 
> Also, any casting of bad light on Beverly and Moonshine is only because in this fic Hardwon is in a very dark place. I love them very, very much and think they are the best, okay?


End file.
